I was recently asked a question by a staff member at a local alterations shop that stopped me dead in my tracks. I had dropped off a backpack to have my last name embroidered on it. When I arrived home there was a voice mail from the alterations shop asking if I “wanted the apostrophe at the top or bottom of the O.” I stood there composing myself for the phone call I was about to make. I had also dropped a uniform shirt off to be taken in at the waist; rather than risk the safety of that shirt I simply asked that they put the apostrophe at the top between the O and the R.
Later that evening my headache had subsided and I was mowing the lawn when I realized, I get a lot of questions that make my head hurt. So I decided to write some of them down so other people might want to shove a pen in their eye. One of these questions happened back in 1994.
I was a young Airman stationed at Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska. I was in the middle of a background investigation for my security clearance. Since the Air Force didn’t have any history on me yet, I was required to have a psychological evaluation. The evaluation consisted of an interview with a military psychologist. It sounded simple enough.
The questions were all pretty easy, until it happened. “Do you hear voices that aren’t there?” Uh oh, I could feel the smart ass welling up inside. How do you answer that question? It’s phrased as a closed ended, yes or no question. But even with two answers, there are four possibilities. Either answer could be taken as sane or as crazy. I could answer “Yes I hear voices, I am completely bat shit crazy” or “Yes, I hear voices, but I know they aren’t real people so I’m kinda sane right?” I could answer “No, I am perfectly sane” or “No, I believe the voices that tell me sculpt yard gnomes out of used cat litter are REAL people.”
As I pondered my choices, the doctor looked up and I realized that I might be thinking too much about the question. I never saw the results of the test but I’m either sane or I’m the kind of crazy they were looking for.
